Café Crem

Art, Music and Words around The Coffee Table

Coffee for an Ex


Miki's Ski Coffee Cup

Monday, time again to have some coffee together here!

I have ordered this cup from my friends from The Bay Attic for a very special and very personal occasion.

As I left Germany some years ago, according to my everlasting habits, I went away leaving behind me most of my personal stuff, things like books, CDs, paintings, clothes, bicycle, skis, etc…  well I am normally not so much attached to “things”, and even less to “past things”, which might be the reason why I leave them behind when they belong to another part of my life. But there is something which I left behind last time, which I really regretted, and wanted to have back: my last ski suit! I don’t know why I especially love that one, perhaps because of the  happy colours, yellow and orange… perhaps also because it fits me very well, and it is rather difficult for me to find these kind of clothes for my unusual body complexion (please, no, don’t ask details!  🙂  ). And surely too because I loved the time I spent wearing it!

My ex-husband was so kind to send it to me some weeks ago, even twice, as the packet wrongly went back to Germany the first time! To thank him I had this cup featuring one of my sport paintings (ski, of course!) specially designed and  made for him. I sent it today, and I hope he will be happy about it.

But this is not all. Now I have a message to everybody: if it is possible, please try to not to keep too many grievances against former partners. For myself I could never understand how people who loved each other once, so much that they married, could end up hating and fighting one another. I can’t really explain why, but this is something which deeply hurts me. Concerning my ex, he has always behaved in a wonderful way since we divorced, although I certainly didn’t deserve it, at least from his point of view… and I still consider him as my friend, the same way as I always did. It is not always easy, I know, because a divorce is a tough thing for everybody, but with some goodwill, it is often possible!

I hope it is possible for all of you, too, who read this post… but honestly, I doubt it!  🙂

By Miki


March 9, 2009 - Posted by | Art, Cafe L'Arte, coffee, family, friends, life, love, men, Miki's Paintings, women | , , , , ,


  1. I think love and hate are two sides to the same coin and the opposite of either is indifference.
    I have only one ex, from when I was 18, and though I have long forgiven him for the hurts he caused me, I would never, ever want to see or hear from him again. But I wish him well.
    This is magnanimous of you Miki.
    I hope he loves his new coffee mug!

    Comment by viv66 | March 9, 2009

  2. I love the colours by the way; so jolly and uplifting!
    I have never been skiing in my life; next year I may be going as a rep to the ski resorts so might get the chance to have a go, but I don’t want to do what so many do and come home in plaster!

    Comment by viv66 | March 9, 2009

  3. I think Viv is right. People who can move us strongly one way can move us strongly in another. I have been with my only husband for almost 20 years now. I am grateful for that, although I am not really sure what we are doing right. I have had other relationships end poorly, though. Close friends who have hurt me. That pain is really hard to let go of.

    Comment by shelleymhouse | March 9, 2009

  4. I’m more likely to attend the apres ski, avoid the slopes and come home plastered!

    I think it’s great that Miki is cool with her ex. I am with mine, which is important with children involved, and life is just too short to carry such painful and ultimately useless burdens around.

    I love this pic! (and nearly hid the mug and sent a teacup instead, cos I love it too, heehee!) The colours on Mikis ski outfit are lovely and bright, and will be handy for me to easily spot her location as I snowboard into a tree.

    Comment by kevmoore | March 9, 2009

  5. I do think the same about love and hate. And this is why I believe too that when love dies, hate dies too. Which for me means that I have then no reason to wish not to see my exes any more.

    Viv, I can’t really believe that you have really forgiven your ex. Not looking actively to see him again is one thing, but “I would never, ever want to see or hear from him again” is another thing. It shows still very strong negative feelings. You might have forgiven him with your intellect, but not with your heart, I believe! Which again is totally normal if he hurt you much, I would say,

    I don’t know if I am magnanimous. I think I am simply objective. Why ever I had to divorce, my ex-husband was and is a great person. I can’t forget that just because I couldn’t live together with him. But it does not cost me any effort to be like that, it is just how I am. Sometimes this objectivity is even very hard, because it makes it difficult to develop the enemies figure, which we sometimes need in life to get better…

    Comment by Miki | March 9, 2009

  6. Lovely comment, Kevin,made me laugh a lot! But you have the wrong idea of apres ski, I would say. Normally it has to do a lot with alcohol and this is not your stuff1

    Concerning the injuries by ski, it is like everywhere. How probable it is depends above all on your character and your technical ability (and by ski how long the apres ski was the night before!). I have witnessed that by all the sports I have practised, even the so-called “dangerous” ones.

    Comment by Miki | March 9, 2009

  7. I would explain more but it is complex. I know in my heart I have forgiven but I know that also he was a person who is dangerous in many ways, and that is the reason why I would never want to see him again. He nearly killed me once, deliberately and not by accident, and it would be very naive to assume that he is a normal well adjusted person by now. My stating it so strongly has perhaps implied that I hate him; I don’t. But I know enough to feel wary of any contact, even if I wanted it.

    Comment by viv66 | March 9, 2009

  8. Miki – I (hopefully) wasn’t inferring I would injure myself whilst drinking!!! – I just did a play on words with plaster and ‘plastered’ which is an English colloquialism for being drunk!

    Comment by kevmoore | March 9, 2009

  9. You don’t need to explain, Viv, I understand very well. I believe you are right thinking that he has not changed! Well, there is a person in my past which I hate because he did awful things (not so much to me but to my friends) and would never want to see him again. I exactly know that my heart hasn’t forgiven him, and never will.

    Comment by Miki | March 9, 2009

  10. I remember at the time people from church banging on about me needing to forgive him etc etc, but insisting that to do so I had to, and I mean HAD to, then include him in my life! I didn’t understand it then and I don’t now. As far as I was concerned, I felt that I had made a terrible mistake in being involved with him and once all that was over, we had nothing in common or even a friendship, so why should I then be “friends” just to make everyone else feel better about maintaining what they saw as harmony? He was lucky not to be prosecuted! I do believe that people can change and change quite radically, but it’s rare that someone has sufficient incentive and sufficient perserverance to go back to their deepest issues and work through them enough to have lasting impact on their lives and relationship.
    ah well, life is a strange business, isn’t it and love even more so.

    Comment by viv66 | March 9, 2009

  11. Awful story, Viv, and I am with you in everything you write.
    My post was not referring yo such extreme cases.
    But not having had “normal exes” you can’t know.

    I was referring to “normal” people, people we have loved at the beginning but where the common life went wrong and often ended in some kind of hate. At that point we forget that the person we hate is quite the same as the person we once loved. It is just the life together which went wrong, often a problem of compatibility.
    I think one should then come back to consider the person self, and not his/her life with us. These are really two very different things. And I think that it is even more important when children are involved.

    In fact o totally agree with Kevin
    “life is just too short to carry such painful and ultimately useless burdens around.”
    Thinking that always helps me at once to get rid of most of my burdens!

    Comment by Miki | March 9, 2009

  12. I think divorce is always a tough thing. Having made an effort to maintain a friendship with my ex, I can now say that we have more of a brother-sister type of relationship (closer than with my real brother). Since he knew me in my late teen years and young adulthood, in a way it like we grew up together and there are things that he can understand about me better than anyone else. I think it takes several years to be able to leave the bitterness behind, and pick up the friendship, but it is well worth it if you can. I’m very happy to read of this positive experience you’ve had.

    Madame Monet

    Comment by Madame Monet | March 10, 2009

  13. Sorry I didn’t see your comment about his being dangerous. That puts a different light on things, and your decision to stay away is wise.

    Madame Monet

    Comment by Madame Monet | March 10, 2009

  14. That’s OK, Madame Monet. I do think if people are able to stay on cordial terms, it’s better for all concerned. An older and wiser friend of mine at the time, who was trained in these things and had worked with killers like the Yorkshire Ripper and Dennis Nielson, told me that my ex not only ticked a lot of the psychopath boxes( well, apparently most are safe enough and work in the City!) but also gave her the very strong feeling that he was NOT one of the safe ones. Having been knocked across a room on more than one occasion, I can concur. I later found out and met a number of other girls who had experienced the same behaviour from him and had kept quiet out of a feeling he should be given a chance to reform etc.
    I did use the experience in a novel!!

    Comment by viv66 | March 11, 2009

  15. Good morning, Madame Monet!
    Very happy to hear about your positive relationship to your ex husband.It is quite rare, I believe. As you say, it is very hard to leave the bitterness behind.
    But I have found out that bitterness is one of the strongest poisons in our lives, it poisons everybody around and above all ourselves. And when I say poison, I mean it also physically: I believe that bitterness can make us very ill…

    Comment by Miki | March 11, 2009

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