Café Crem

Art, Music and Words around The Coffee Table

to do what I do you have to be a bit crazy+

The Painter & The Poet

{subtitled: a writers life+}

You go through life and theres a nagging voice in your head always imagining a what if, or a what if I did that and so on. Eventually you try to get rid of this voice by writing down all your feelings because you found out that is a good idea to retain your sanity. Then you can’t stop doing this because it has become habit.

You live life on the edge all the time without a care in the world and when its good you don’t write about that in your journal. You write in your journal only when your whole life seems to be coming apart at the seems and you don’t believe in religion but have some notion there must be a God. The longer you live the more chances of having a shitty experience occur. As a result you fill up journal after journal until one day you get the crazy stupid idea that you can write a book. And you do.

Then some other bad thing happens to you. So you write another book. And you do that again and again every time because you got another new habit and it works for you.

Then one day you eventually realize that what life has thrown at you and the way you dealt with it, or not, becomes the advice you start giving to people when they come to you with their problems. Now you got more problems. More people come to you and you have this guilty feeling that all you want is to be left alone so you can write. You got these habits now and you like them.

Now you got to solve the people problem. You get another crazy idea that if you write a good and sure book about ordinary people who face all the problems you know about and have been through, and show how they deal with them it would be a good way to write consistently to feed your habit. You take one problem and write one good book about it. Make it ring true with your authentic voice and you got a book writing machine going. And the benefits are that you get to write in solitude. Help people. Make money. Live your life on your own terms. But you got to solve the problem of how to get published. And you do.

Then you can’t stop writing because you can’t imagine doing anything else. Then you start to doubt yourself and you question why in the first place did you ever agree to this writers life+

You never plan for anything. Anyone who says they do, fail miserably.

Life is what comes at you. I write to deal with my problems and that is how I came to writing.

Its the writers job to get the story right and keep it simple stupid. {KISS}

So what the heck am I doing this then?

Ha ha!!!!


April 6, 2008 - Posted by | books, health, humor, life, literature, personal, photo, writing | , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. This is a great introduction to our “new” Cafe Crem, Michael! A very lucid analyze of how we become what we are when we take life as it comes to us…
    this is how I became a painter too… and why, right now, like you, I am asking myself why I ever agreed to become a painter!
    But if I have learned one important thing in my life, it is to accept all these annoying questions without wasting time in finding an answer! Or better said, I find the answers painting, and you find the answers writing, and it’s ok, then!

    But as you say: one has to be a bit crazy to follow the stream of life. I wrote once to Susan:
    “I live in an ocean of possibilities”
    and it is not always obvious how to move within… the key is, I think, the own curiosity which much be stronger than all our fears… and then we really become, again and again, what we ought to be.

    Comment by Miki | April 6, 2008

  2. Oh, how this resonates with the creative souls amongst us, Michael! As a musician, it always used to intrigue me how most musicians best works came out of their own suffering. A hungry band, starving for success, always makes a killer first album, but resting on their laurels and bloated with success further down the line they lose touch with their creative muse. Do we need to suffer to create great things? I no longer believe that to be so. I think suffering is a rich well of creativity, but its not the only place to slake one’s thirst. Equilibrium, in my view, is the key. With peace, the soul releases and ideas are given wings. When Miki unlocked that room inside me, it staggered me to find my stories, poems and songs literally gushing out. I have never felt that I have recently written them, I have always felt that they were trapped inside. All of us here with these “gifts” for want of a better word are supremely lucky, for they are our refuge, our therapy, our cure.

    Comment by kevmoore | April 7, 2008

  3. @ Kev. You stated,”Do we need to suffer to create great things?” and added, “Equilibrium, in my view, is the key.”
    Yes I agree, but there is more. I will elaborate shortly.
    I wrote this post to explain to myself how I got here. But I know here is just the beginning.
    Adding to your comment I believe there is another key as well.
    Freedom of the mind from all forms of psychological and psychic conditioning that keeps man from himself and woman from herself.
    This key is hard to achieve so I believe it to be a stage of awareness and as such no effort is required to be free, at peace as you say.
    Then what is the dilemma? The ego wants to be fed. It is hungry and when one is aware of this new freedom which you and I and many others are experiencing the egoic structure of the mind through its cleverness of using contextual streams of thought to attack the emotional within us, leads us into a whirlwind of awareness and un awareness or consciousness and unconsciousness. The Ego can only feed of the unconscious mind of thoughts of the individual. And that is its power over us. The Ego cannot feed off a conscious mind because it is a mind that recognizes the ego and its tricks and the use of thoughts and emotions to get to us, and that is fine to know, but the conscious mind simply gives it no attention and therefore the ego loses its power and thought then becomes a fusion with consciousness the ultimate evolution of the mind toward freedom.
    The Ego is thought and there is an egoic structure present in all of us.
    Equilibrium yes frees us to give us a release, but to me this is really awareness of ego and that it cannot have effect on a conscious mind.
    The soul is the direct equivalent of all of those rooms locked within us past present and future and the ego knows how to go to the future to bring about its presence in the present by using the past as the foundation of egoic presence in the moment. The soul is timeless as well and so imagine as individual with the ego battle going on and the soul which is all knowing and at any point we only know a slice of knowledge the amount of energy that is used up in the physical body.
    For me I’d rather be in this Equilibrium state fully aware and have the peace you describe and watch as the soul’s doors of knowledge are unlocked. Fighting the battle to stay in this state is fruitless. So being aware is the fundamental action which requires the least amount of energy expenditure and freedom of the mind fused with a conscious mind is a good path to be on because within those rooms are the source of our creative powers. When one refers to creative courage we are really talking about the fight and that is the paradox. We don’t have to fight. All the family is fully present in the mind and soul and body. The ego the soul and energy. This I believe to be the reason why some have the feeling of flood gates being opened when they become fully conscious without fighting what is already a part of who we are. It is in the end a decision as to where to put our attention. What say you?

    Comment by Michael | April 7, 2008

  4. Good morning Spain bye the way!!!!

    Comment by Michael | April 7, 2008

  5. Good morning Michael!

    Comment by Miki | April 7, 2008

  6. I think, paradoxically, I became more confident in myself and what I could achieve (a repaired ego?) once I had transferred my energies wholeheartedly and selflessly to someone else (Miki) for the first time in my life, and, with a due nod to cliche, I believe it cleansed my soul. It allowed me to “dare” to look inwards, to examine parts of me, dating back to childhood, that I had simply parcelled up and put away. Layers of disillusionment, failure, despair and frustration were peeled away in an instant. Was I conscious of my self-belief and creativity returning? Sure. Was I conscious of how I’d mummified my muse and interred it in my subconscious? Not a chance. It came as a revelation.

    Comment by kevmoore | April 7, 2008

  7. Oh I forgot a disclaimer. Although I can write about what my life is about and what I believe to be true the reality of all of it is for me right now one complete disappointment.
    I live daily in my journal and am going deeper and deeper into a place they call the Acomodador a point where one just gives up.
    I try to not give into that but unfortunately it has got a grip on me so tight that it makes living a hell for me. Isn’t’ that ironic.
    Sure I can provoke conversation and share ideas but my soul is lost to me. I have opened all the doors and I see nothing but the Black Ass of life staring back at me. I live a pathetic miserable existence and I began this thread on writing in my journals all of this. When you realize that I have no pleasure or joy what so ever in my life and that is contrary to what others see and I know that so I have been told countless of times, I still cannot escape this invisible grip.
    I wanted to clarify this so as not to come off as someone who “knows” it all. I certainly don’t and how I come up with all this “talk” about theories, beliefs and ideas I haven’t a clue. I tell people about it and sometimes they seem to feel better. I never have told anyone outside my wife and best friend how miserable my existence is for me. But I keep all that to myself and try to love and give the best of me to make up for the shame and guilt I feel of feeling that my life which was once good was ripped away from me, plundged me into a despair so deep, a trauma wolloped on me and a career all gone now, so the end result is for over 20 years I have been at the end of the blackest of pits. I pray. I plead to God. I try everything but what has hurt me is to hard to talk about and is personal damaged me real good. So my conclusion is, and do not feel sorry for me because I am not writing this for anyone to feel that, I have been permanently damaged. To be really honest I am just waiting to die. And that my friends is the honest truth. So I try to write good things and help and share what I know, but never have I shared this in such a way like this.

    Comment by Michael | April 7, 2008

  8. Aaah.. marvellous blog entry Micheal!
    It’s great, I think theres two major things in life that are destiny and can NEVER be escaped, 1 is marriage/family, and 2nd is your job, which brings the source of income, these things are simply ”meant to be” you can dare escape them all you want, but they’re destiny and your destiny Micheal was to write! Nightmare eh?

    Comment by supersizeme | April 7, 2008

  9. It is good if you write good posts to provide links to great things and if the reader likes the post anyway they will return to finish reading it. After just writing a bare my soul experince of life I received my update for a blog I have been reading for years.

    This is part of the conversation in my post today.

    from: Crossroads Dispatches
    enlightenment, not just for Alcratraz prisoners and reggae musicians anymore

    Comment by Michael | April 7, 2008

  10. @ sup. Thanks for that insight. Easy to forget. The most important thing to remember.

    Comment by Michael | April 7, 2008

  11. @Michael
    I am REALLY thankful for what you shared with us here. I now exactly know where you are, and I know it, because I have been myself exactly there too… long years there, in that black hole, with no hopes, no dreams, no pleasures, no past, no present, no future and the continuous consciousness of my miserable existence.
    Of course everybody around was claiming how great I was, and I was great indeed, measured to the average, but measured to my own, deep needs and scale of values, I simply was nothing…
    Please, believe me, I know what you are writing about, and as such, I know the horror you are going through every moment.
    And like you, Michael, I thought I was permanently damaged!!!
    I came suddenly out of that state, in a moment where I thought I had no other choice than to give everything up. I thank fate everyday for that.
    But what worked for me must not necessarily work for you, I know.
    But the feeling I have is that you should perhaps stop chasing after your past life and your past success. Look, at the end, it was not the right thing anyway, as obviously it put you in that situation in which you are right now.
    I would like to know (if not too indiscreet) what it is really what you miss from your past… the power? the success? the action? the money?…

    You know, what struck me as I saw the birthday video, and deeply touched me too, was the feeling that you are “lost” in your world, that everything is happening around you without you being really present… I really recognised myself in the past, when I sat among friends, or even among my family, I was not there, my soul was not there… these were awful moments because I told myself, when I feel so alone among the people I most love in the world, I will always feel so awfully alone…

    And I guess, Michael, that you feel the same… alone… of course you have a wonderful family, you love them all and they love you all, but you still feel alone, deep inside you…

    Oh, I stop better now, perhaps I am going too far…

    Anyway… in case I am right: you are not as alone as you think!

    Comment by Miki | April 7, 2008

  12. Feeling better today and I can answer your question Miki. You are right and there is so much more as I told you in a letter so the thing is just letting it all out without trying to hold it all in context allowed me a night free of thinking at all. I awoke today with the idea that it is the past and there is so much hope and love and compassion in me today so we’ll see where that takes me. To be continued.

    Comment by Michael | April 8, 2008

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