Café Crem

Art, Music and Words around The Coffee Table

the love of living+

The Influence of God in our lives is a difficult one to reconciliate.  I read Kev’s story and it is one of many stories each and every one of us has.  Everyone.  Is it odd that we all have a story to tell?  Is it real?  Of course it is.  And when we read and share each others stories we all relate.

“Death is certain; what I am not certain about is life.”

This is a theme that I explore in one of my novels and in my story there is no happy ending because then the novel would not ring true.

There is Anna who is a free spirit and there is Daniels who is a writer.  Anna is dying of cancer and Daniels life during this story goes through dramatic twists and turns that are all to familiar.  He cannot accept Anna’s death sentence and runs from the very person he loves in the world.  And he runs toward the very thing that he think will numb his suffering and pain.  First drinking.  Then an affair with another woman.  Then more drinking as he gathers the guilt along the way that comes when an honorable man does something he is not proud of.  He rationalizes it all perfectly and in one way or another the accumulation of guilt becomes to much to bare.

Anna is Tolstoyian in her resolve to continue to live out her life the best she can.  As she always has.  Thus she sees the love of her life suffering and lets him go for the only thing she has control over is herself.  And her love for Daniels grows even deeper watching him suffer.

What message is being given here by these characters?

Well there is more before I answer that.  Both characters turn to God for different reasons, but the point is, it is God they are both turning to.  Anna asks to be able to show Daniels her love of living.  She hopes that he will see it and she asks God to help him see this.  Daniels argues with God telling him that he is cruel and without compassion.  Both talk to God.  Both have a different conversation with him.

There is a moment of redemption where Daniels comes home at sunrise after a night of binge drinking to find Anna sitting there on the terrace watching the sunrise.  She ask him to share that moment with her.  Her time is getting near.  Daniels sits.  He starts to speak and asks for her forgiveness.  She stops him.  There is nothing to forgive, she tells him.

Daniels is sitting there full of shame and guilt and anger and a hate for a God that would do this to him.
He tells Anna that he hates God for this.  She responds, It is not God you hate.  Then says that she forgives him.
It is in that moment that Daniels realizes that what Anna’s actions have demonstrated to him is her love of living.  It is this love of living that he finally sees as the truth.  It is not about God at all.  Its about the love of living.

Death is fear for most of us.  That fear turns us away from ourselves and from the ones we love.  But Death is, as Anna demonstrates through her love of living, enacted in the climatic scene where she ask Daniels to sit and watch the sunrise with her.

It is in that moment that Daniels sees something beautiful.  It is then that he realizes that he can be part of her death, which is in fact Anna’s love of living that they can share together for the first time.  It is all possible because Daniels has found a love of living for himself too.  Now they have something to share.  They choose to live.

As for God, I do not go there.  But I acknowledge there is a historical affinity throughout thousands of years for this supranatural being called God.

Will we ever know the truth?  Not in our lifetime nor any lifetime.  But what we will know and remember is in the details of how we lived our lives.  There is no right way or wrong way as long as the result is finding our own personal peace.


March 12, 2008 - Posted by | God in our life


  1. Happy to read you again, Michael, and to meet Anna and Daniels again!

    I have loved God as I was an adolescent, I will write about it. But when I stopped loving him, I didn´t start hating him. I simply couldn´t have any feelings more to such an abstraction.

    I don´t know if I will “need” him again, one day… actually I cannot imagine “God” being any support to me… unfortunately, I must say, because I have seen so many people “saved” by God, or, more exactly, by their belief in God.
    I have tried to believe in God as I was so depressed for such a long time, have met then all kind of religious people, have had long discussions with them, but it simply didn´t work for me…

    Anyway, I agree totally with your last paragraph. “Funny” is, that in the past and for a long long time, I thought it was not inner peace what I needed, on the contrary. I found inner peace boring and equivalent to death! What a fool I was!!!!

    And you, Michael, if I am allowed to ask. why can´t you find your inner peace?

    Comment by Miki | March 12, 2008

  2. And you, Michael, if I am allowed to ask. why can´t you find your inner peace?

    Answer: This I know but it is hard to do.

    Two things are going on with me as I know you are aware and they are:
    1. Thoughts
    2. Embodiment
    | Thoughts in our mind are where the Ego in all of us lives and our thoughts are a product of the ego. When we spend our time there we are not conscious individuals connected to the Divine. Therefore we think only past and future and this is the noise of the brain. In this state which I have exhibited but am not right now I am simply a product of my thoughts and if they are good thoughts then the ego will find a way or will it to happen. The same goes for a bad thought. The difficulty living this way is that we are never in touch with the elegance of Divine Beauty and the non-agenda individual who lives a life of presence in the moment, moment by moment. This is also an impossible place from which to be creative because man’s biggest illusion is that he owns his own thoughts when in fact thoughts in the mind are a product of past conditioning and therefor it really is a replay of our response or reaction processes which we have learned on our own or from our environment. That is why my friend always says getting out in nature frees us if we are in embodiment state in [2.] where we actually feel the presence of warmth and vibration and sensation in the body and also we can extrapolated this to being aware our surroundings. Awareness or Consciousness is just being present in the moment in nature with the trees, the flowers, all of it without giving it a name or labeling it. We can see this in runners who run through the park past you with their ipod on listening to music. They are missing out on the essential beauty which is the creation of the Divine from which all our creative powers come and they don’t even know this. They are in the noise of the mind.

    | Embodiment is when we take a moment to notice if we are breathing. If we can do that than we can just stop and be aware of the presence of one hand, and later the other and so on. This is embodiment. This is important because it gets us out of our thoughts where the ego is and puts us directly in the moment which is consciousness or pure consciousness.
    Why I bring this up is the fact that although I know this very well and do this on auto pilot I am only human and sometimes I get caught up in my thinking where the ego takes on a life of its own. In my case I have the biggest ego that has got me in trouble so many times and Is the Cause of me being in a suspended state of depression.

    So I add this to let you know what my state of presence was when I started this whole chain letter slam dunk them all thing. I was in my head with the noise thinking and that caused me to go into a psychotic state where even my ego didn’t know what the hell was going on.

    Right now I am breathing and can feel my hands so these words flow out of me through pure consciousness through the direct connection to the Divine, which is the purest expression of Love and Compassion that are very much a part of my consciousness, and this love and compassion wants to be born through me right now into this world because I am still and I am of a quiet mind and I want to share it with everyone.

    That’s why I love to write especially when stuff like this flows through me.

    So inner peace is constantly for me a process of chemical imbalance or biometrically my body telling me to get out of my head and get out in nature which I just did this morning away from the noise in my head and feeling all the vibrational energy of Beauty and Excellence of Divine creation in every thing in nature. Just Be. Just Be….Still!!!!!

    If I could package that I could help others so much because it truly is of beauty and serenity.

    Thank you for asking me the question just when I had a possible answer which I have just written here first instead of my journal Miki,


    Comment by Michael | March 12, 2008

  3. I understand what you mean, Michael, and I understand the problem with “your big ego”.
    I knew a French guy living in Germany, a very clever and very unhappy guy. He had an ego even bigger than himself. One day he fell in love and he wrote it to his mother. She answered:
    “I am so happy my son. For the first time your letters are no more full of “me me me” but of “she she she”.
    I think the best way to get rid of an over sized ego which makes hell out of our lives is to get really interested in somebody else. I mean: REALLY!

    It is good and necessary to go in nature, but it is not enough to reach inner peace. I think real peace can only be reached in connection with the whole world, especially with the other people.
    I don´t mean the peace of the lonesome gurus, by the way, this is for me not a real peace, this is simply loneliness, and resignation, and a kind of death. A very easy way…
    I mean an inner, interactive and enriching peace…
    Michael, I believe you are too busy with yourself, and this is, I think, the real reason why you can´t reach peace with yourself…

    Comment by Miki | March 13, 2008

  4. [as was sent by email] I thought others might appreciate the transparency of this conversation.

    Hello there Miki,
    Question. If I know this guy in me long ago and this guy was totally out of me me me and into she she she and that that that and my whole life was curiosity curiosity curiosity, then if I got that back, and I have just experienced it this week several times, is this what you are talking about?
    I really really really appreciate this incredible insight into me. I want it to work. I will forever be grateful and in your debt.

    Comment by Michael | March 13, 2008

  5. Yes, If I understand you well, it is kind of what I am talking about. but taking the excesses out!
    I mean it is all a question of the right balance between inside and outside, between oneself and the other, between men and nature, between inspiration and expiration, between introspection and extrospection, between explosion and implosion, etc.
    And yes, if you still know that guy, and he is still living inside of you somewhere (and I know he is!), get him back to live in the outer world too! But without repeating the mistakes which “killed” him once…
    And perhaps don´t spend too much time on self-analyse, it has become a kind of jail for you, I feel…
    If you have the feeling to make a step forward, try to make the next one, instead of analysing this first step… 🙂
    I am just saying what I think and feel, basing me on my own experiences with myself. I hope my words don´t sound too rude?

    Comment by Miki | March 14, 2008

  6. I only accept and listen to people who speak the truth and you always do.
    I have not taken anything you said to be ‘rude’ but rather ‘enlightening’.
    You are unselfish in your passionate gift of being able to help when you think you can and that is the whole point here.
    This thread of conversation is real and the sharing of truth is the foundation upon which one can become.
    Thank you Miki for your candor and your choice to share with me reflections that have opened up my eyes to seeing myself.
    I too have the desire to help others because I can, but the irony is that I cannot help myself.
    Is that not always the case? I think so for me anyway.

    Comment by Michael | March 14, 2008

  7. Yes, it is always the case… but I don´t believe that it is necessary to be able to help oneself to help others. I guess only insight and generosity are necessary, and this is totally independent from the own problems.

    Isn´t it a little bit too selective to”only accept and listen to people who speak the truth”?
    Except the fact that the truth is any way complicated and undefinable stuff, the untruth is part of it too… and might be sometimes much more helpful than the truth itself, perhaps because its distance from the truth, which gives us a clearer point of view…

    And perhaps it is like with the smokers. They have no chance to stop smoking, what ever sophisticated techniques they use (and the world is full of them nowadays), if they don´t REALLY want to stop smoking.
    When we have a big big problem, it is not so easy to have the will to stop. We might think we have it, but most of the time, it is not a real will. It is very difficult to solve a deep personal problem, it demands a lot of energy and deep changes and sometimes even renouncement to dear bad habits… most of us don´t have the energy to it, above all because we are anyway so weakened by the problem itself… the typical vicious circle!

    And this is why too it is so much easier to help others than oneselves!

    Comment by Miki | March 15, 2008

  8. Yes Miki I see what you are saying.
    There is so much going on in your comment: truth, will, energy, habits, et al.
    I don’t think we can generalize about anything throughout this thread as I read back over all the comments. This is dangerous because it seems to me that there is no truth. Ha ha a good point you made. Selective truth is limiting and I can see that too. I am not sure right now about anything which leads me to your idea of the spaces between what is said and not said. Like a writer who leaves out most of what they have written leaving behind a taste of what is not said. This I feel creates a space for the reader to relate to what they are reading. That value of space is what makes a good book a great book. Still in this post I see a quest that is leading towards something. Perhaps it will reveal itself to us all.

    Comment by Michael | March 15, 2008

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