Café Crem

Art, Music and Words around The Coffee Table

The Art of Making Others feel Guilty

By Miki

I don´t know if anybody here has read Kevin´s post from yesterday, “The Worst of a Woman”. I guess, if you have, you might have not appreciated it, and I would understand. But being myself totally involved in the story he described -and even more perhaps because it was ME who made the arrangements with the Spanish Woman, and me who decided not to keep Gypsy- I understand his anger too.

We both feel very sick about it now. Kevin of course is very angry at both women involved here, but is suffering above all about what happened to Gypsy in that time when we thought she was well-cared for in a Spanish family with children. He is emotionally very down. My anger is much colder, and as a woman, I will follow the story and go for a confrontation, and even two, I guess. This is by the way one of the big differences between men and women… isn´t it?

But what I want to say today is the following. I couldn´t believe my ears as I suddenly heard Kevin saying, this morning :

“I feel guilty!”

“Guilty about what?” I asked

“Guilty about Gypsy!”

“Why in hell do you you feel guilty about her?”

“I feel we have let her down…”

Now I am really angry, I mean “hot angry”, emotionally angry. This English woman, who mistreated Kevin in such an inhuman, unfair way, had succeeded in making him feel guilty!!! This cannot be true, after all we have done for this little dog.

And all my old problems with women awoke again. In my whole life, one of the main reasons why I didn´t feel comfortable with girls and women, is that they are great in the art of making feel people guilty, even if they are not guilty at all, and even more so if they are guilty themselves! Because of that, and because I am a woman too, and in that point no better than all the other women, I always had problems in accepting my female condition. It is very hard to get rid of this “habit”.

So Ladies, what do you think? Do you agree with me? And if you do: please, can´t we all do something to stop with this awful behaviour? I have seen so many men suffering under it, please, please, please, LET US STOP WITH IT!


March 7, 2008 - Posted by | animals, culture, family, friends, life, men, personal, psychology, random, women, writing | , ,


  1. Guilt! I’m a practical man and with that comes a practical approach to guilt. Guilt is associated with feelings and feelings are either internally generated or externally generated.
    I cannot control anyone except me, so I try to live a humble, compassionate and loving existence.
    As for letting others making me feel guilty that is where I stand strong on keeping others dramas at a distance.
    So if I am feeling guilty about something then theres a very good chance its coming from me and the reality is it is all in my mind no matter how real the feelings are.
    Guilt is something that one has to let go of immediately. For example always trying to please and then internally feeling guilty I am not getting to do the things I want. This happens with kids much. The general rule is do it all for the kids first. But my daughter recently pointed out to me, that the guilt that I feel and generate internally when I overdue the taking the kids skiing, take them to their friends, pick up the kids, and waiting for them in every situation — theres four of them — makes my anger meter go way up and that anger turns to guilt and then I get really down. She said that my guilt is actually not helping anyone so its a vicious circle going nowhere. Write your book when you want and if you’re going to the cafe at the moment we want to go to a friends and need a ride, we’ll get it if you just walk out the door after having given some notice to us that you are going, and we’ll be right on your tail dad. Now we know you wait so we do not hurry when you want to go at the moment you want to go.
    Do you see what I am saying.
    It’s morning and I just got up but guilt has been the topic in my journal for over a week now and still writing about it.
    The bottom line your guilt is hurting everyone and nothing gets done. Period. So take back your life Michael, which is where I am at.

    Comment by Michael | March 7, 2008

  2. I have noticed that SOME women are like that, but to say that ALL women are like that is really stretching the point. Hardly ANY of the women I know are like that!

    Dedicated Elementary Teacher Overseas

    Comment by elementaryteacher | March 7, 2008

  3. Haha.. brilliant topic, you know I was never aware of this, but now you’ve just made me think about it, I think I do it, without knowing.. whoops!

    Comment by supersizeme | March 7, 2008

  4. Hi Everyone!! First of all, I want to appologize for not being around in such a long long time.. the reason is that I’ve been really busy studying for my final exams. I wasn’t totally absent, I’ve been reading the posts, but I’m sorry I didn’t have the time to sit and answer them. You’ve all been posting very interesting topics.

    As regards Gypsy, I’m very sad too because of that Spanish lady that lied to you both.. but how were you supposed to know what was going to happened? So Miki & Kevin, don’t feel sad nor guilty… You did as much as you could for the little dog..

    Miki, I agree with you. As a woman I can say that we have this twisted talent of making others feel guilty… I’ve been trying to get rid of it too ’cause it’s not good at all. I believe that in order to stop it.. or control it, we should kind of pay attention to our everyday behaviour.
    I think that in the case of that lady who made Kevin feel guilty it’s just narrow-mindness or stubborness ’cause she didn’t even turn to listen to him. I consider that behaviour as childish and inmature.

    Kevin, hope you are better now..

    Miki.. te mando muchos abrazos y besos!!


    p/s: I happen to be on a similar case.. there’s a black dog that lives in my street. We feed him (in fact, some other neighboors also feed him) and kind of take care of him. We could adopt him ’cause we have a very big back yard, but mom doesn’t want to. I love this dog ’cause he takes care of me (whenever I go out, he comes with me) and I also feel kind of guilty… but there’s nothing more I can do..

    Comment by Mary | March 7, 2008

  5. This feeling of guilt, and making others feel guilty, seems to run strong in the female side of my family. I don’t understand why it is not so with the men. But I am hoping I won’t pass it on to my children.

    Comment by shelleymhouse | March 7, 2008

  6. Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make us feel inerior unless we allow them too.” Might the same not be said for guilt?

    Comment by psychscribe | March 8, 2008

  7. Typo – please correct inerior to inferior, Miki!

    Comment by psychscribe | March 8, 2008

  8. Easy for Eleanor to say that! Who will be impolite or make feel guilty a First Lady?

    Comment by iondanu | March 8, 2008

  9. @Psych
    I really don´t agree with you (quite an exception I would say!), and I really think that women are good at that… as I said: even when it is their own fault!!! Just, it is not so easy to admit…

    @Elementary Teacher
    Of course I was not saying that ALL women are like that. We are speaking here about general tendencies. And I must say that you are very lucky if almost all the women you know are not like that…
    As I was a child and an adolescent, we had in France separate schools for girls and boys. I really had the opportunity to “study” female behaviour and to compare it to male behaviour, as I was spending the rest of my time (when i was not at school) only amongst boys.
    But who knows, perhaps it is different from country to country…

    You are always so deliciously funny and honest, I love that! Now that you are aware of this new art you are good at, you can start to think about if you want to change it or not… and if you decide to change it and become a better person, be careful, too brutal changes could damage your personality, and even the mens personalities!!! We are speaking about a very subtle balance in men-women relationships here…

    Don´t worry too much about your children, Shelley… but one thing you could surely do, is make them aware about all these differences between girls and boys, and slowly teach them to accept them, and even to deal with them. I think it is generally a big gap in education, at school or at home…

    Comment by Miki | March 10, 2008

  10. @Mary
    What a pleasure to see you here in Cafe Crem, Mary! And not only because I have special feelings for you… it is great to have young people like you, Supersizeme and Contessine here!

    Don´t worry about not posting or commenting, we all have our lives and not always the time or the mood to be connected, to write, to listen, etc…
    I enjoy very much each of your visits, and miss you when you are not around, but of course I find it very normal if you are not here sometimes! Nice to know that you are still in the background though…

    I really think that it is important to try to change this “habit” of making people feel guilty. I don´t care if it is a male or female art, I generally think that it is awful! I firmly believe that the world would be a better one, and our everyday life much nicer if people could start to work on themselves, “to pay attention to our everyday behaviour” as you say, especially on this point. Guilty or not, we don´t need it to be pointed out all the time. We suffer enough by ourselves when we are guilty, and if we are not, then it is outrageous and an offence to mankind to be declared guilty.
    And even worse when people -and this where I think that women are great at it- don´t even say it directly, but make you feel guilty in more or less subtle ways…
    But I know that it is very difficult to change that everyday behaviour. The only thing which really helps, at least for me, is love. Only when I love somebody, I mean REALLY love, with all my heart and soul and body, can I change these things…

    1000 abrazos y besos, mi pajarito!

    Comment by Miki | March 10, 2008

  11. @Danu
    I had a good laugh reading at your comment… thanks!

    I don´t know if you will still read this, and I guess you won´t, so I won´t be long.
    Your comment is very good, and I found it very interesting that it sounds much more “concrete” and personal than normal… which is great!

    Comment by Miki | March 10, 2008

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