Café Crem

Art, Music and Words around The Coffee Table

To Mom.

How come you do not realize
The suffering you cause in my life
You bring here nothing but pain
And there are only shadows on my face

Is it too hard to make you understand
That all I’ve ever needed is a mother
Or at least a good friend
Not the soldier that lives within you.

You love me, you care about me
But only deep at heart you show it
I wish you knew the pain I feel
When you express to me so much cruelty

Is it to expensive for you to give me love?
Is it to difficult to smile once in a time?
Black Christmas of tonight
No light for me on this life

Mary

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January 15, 2008 - Posted by | family, life, love, poetry, writing | ,

7 Comments »

  1. I know you hesitated to put this poem here, Mary… it is sad, yes, it is such a hard truth, your truth, and as such, it is your right to share it with the people you love and trust.
    I think your poem is well kept here in Cafe Crem, you have surely noticed that we are all very sensitive and tolerant and understanding and true and honest, we don´t preach such superficial life philosophy as “Don´t worry, be happy!” (although we all love a good laugh and fun and happiness!) and we respect all opinions and feelings, even if they might sound chocking sometimes…
    Yes, your poem is hart… if I had had the courage as I was a little bit younger then you are now, I would have written such words and even worst, about my Dad. I recognise my Dad in your Mom, and I suffered a lot because of him, until one day I decided to stop speaking to him, and I kept silence to him, 3 long years… I am so ashamed when I think of it now! I know now that he was simply unable to express his feelings, and even tried to hide them behind awful masks of coldness and indifference…
    I guess, one of the problem is, Mary, that you are extremely sensitive (“sensible” en espanol) and you emotionally react strongly to everything, especially to the people you love… I am like that too… I was very lucky that nobody really misused it in my life… this is the only thing we must take care of… that our deep sensitivity is not misused… but we should never lose it, even if it hurts sometimes!
    Of course your mother must have some problems with herself, of which you are not aware… I feel immensely sorry for you, of course… but I feel sorry for her too, because I am sure that she suffers herself about her own attitude…
    Anyway, i don´t want to analyse too much here… I love this poem, I already told you, it goes directly to the heart, when I read it I feel as if I am you and I suffer too! Of course I don´t want to suffer, but I cannot help being fascinated, again, by the power of your words, so simple, so true, so direct…

    Comment by Miki | January 15, 2008

  2. Mary, this poem really speaks to me. It is so good, so raw, so honest.

    Comment by kevmoore | January 15, 2008

  3. Mary I think your poem is authentic, painful, real, and touching. Everyone wants to feel loved by their mother, no matter how old they are. As Miki has said, this is a group who is becoming more cohesive and supportive all the time. Good for you to have the courage to write your truth. Good for you for having a voice.

    Comment by psychscribe | January 16, 2008

  4. I like this line “Is it too expensive for you to give me love?” Very perceptive because I would assume it IS too expensive for her, in that she feels she cannot afford to give love away, not having enough for herself. Not that it works that way of course. But so honest about the way we feel in relationships sometimes.

    Comment by Susan Cornelis | January 16, 2008

  5. @Miki: You are right, I hesitated whether to post this poem or not ’cause apart from being sad, if my mom would read this she may get hurt… I’m sorry to hear that you went through the same situation sometime ago; but I guess that is why we are able to understand each other very well.
    Oh miki, you are so right, I’m extremely sensitive but I wasn’t like this when I was younger… I’ve become like this for a reason I’m not able to understand yet. Writing helps me to find a balance.
    My mom has some internal problems and I came to know this some years ago while talking to dad. For that reason I cant blame her for her behavior, nor I can get angry with her for long time ’cause I know she is also suffering (and by the way, I dont like getting agry). She has a problem, but she won’t let anyone help her… so what can I do? Nothing but live with this and learn from her mistakes so I won’t do them when I have a child. +
    Thank you Miki, for everything that you say!!!

    @Kev!! Thanks so much!!

    @Psychscribe: I agree with you and with Miki, this group is becoming greater! Thanks for what you say. The only way for me to speak about my deepest feelings is to write about them. My voice is in my stanzas.

    @Susan: I think you are right, for her is expensive to give love- metaphorically speaking- but not just with me, to show some love to my dad is also hard to her. I think love should flows like a river without rocks that may stop it. Her river has many rocks…

    Comment by Mary | January 16, 2008

  6. This is a great comment, Mary… I am happy to hesar that you don´t get angry easily, I knew that already, somehow… I can sense it through all your words…
    It is surely a good way to deal with it, to learn not to behave like her with her own children later. This is exactly what Kevin did with his Dad and his children, and it works wonderfully!
    I don´t know what one can do with parenta (or more generally with people) who can´t express their feelings. I was thinking a lot about it, as I had the same problem with my father and I met many other people wiht the same problem. I simply HAVE NO IDEA! My father at least was able to show his feelings to our pets!!! He was incredibly tender and soft to them, full of love! Good for the pets, but you can perhaps imagine how I felt: less worth than a pet! Now of course I understand all that, why he could show his love to his pets and not his children…
    I think you should perhaps approach your mother in a totally different way, which would surprise her, and she would react differently and you could see more of her feelings… you both, like we all, are surely trapped in a chain of standard behaviours, actions and reactions, and I think one must try to break this emotional routine…
    Un abrazo muy fuerte, pajarito mio!

    Comment by Miki | January 17, 2008

  7. Beautifully written, Mary. All over the world there are millions of mothers and fathers who should read this and heed.

    Comment by wrjones | January 17, 2008


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